haiku-usa

A blog devoted mainly to haiku and senryu and to thoughts about, and inspired by, haiku and senryu.

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Location: New York, New York

Haiku is to poetry as espresso is to coffee.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

surrogate, with alternative

surrogate:
the baby handed over,
her womb is hers again
("India Nurtures Business of Surrogate Motherhood," NY Times, 10 March 2008)
***
In this senryu as originally posted, the phrase "handed over" is from the original news story. Since posting it, I thought of an alternative that might say it a bit more powerfully. Or not.
surrogate:
the baby delivered,
her womb is hers again
My thought is that "delivered" refers to the birth itself and to the "handing over."

14 Comments:

Blogger John McDonald said...

what a thought! well noted bill
john

7:56 AM  
Blogger polona said...

but never the same again...
poignant

12:36 PM  
Blogger Bill said...

Thanks, John and polona. I'm posting a slightly altered version that occurred to me later today.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I have to admit I have little experience with this type of poetry. But I do enjoy it, as I did this one. With each new one that is written and I read, I learn. Thank you for that.

T

8:40 PM  
Blogger J. Andrew Lockhart said...

I agree, Bill. Both are nice, though.

6:15 AM  
Blogger Gillena Cox said...

i think the use of 'handed over' adds a serious note of commerce in the situation of surrogates, while delivers pivots and softens the issue involved
both poems gives snapshots into credible present day human issues.


much love
gillena

7:04 PM  
Blogger Magyar said...

...and I wonder, Bill. "Does the proxy ever wonder?" _m

7:52 AM  
Blogger Bill said...

Thanks, T. Which type of poetry do you mean--haiku/senryu in general or, more specifically, this kind of topical verse?

Thanks for the input, andrew.

Sensitive reading, gillena.

And a good thought, magyar.

8:41 PM  
Blogger floots said...

i agree with you as andrew said
i also began thinking about the word surrogate
sorrowgate sounds like a fictional london borough in a dickens novel
(maybe i should go now and chop some wood) :)

9:00 AM  
Blogger Tikkis said...

supplied?

To continue Gillena: handed over sounds bad for me, and to deliver is slightly sterile? But in this case 'delivering' is in right place also?

3:22 AM  
Blogger Bill said...

"sorrowgate." Good thought, floots.

In the US, tikkis "delivery" is one way of saying birth. But it also means getting a package to a consumer. "supplied" is a good thought, too.

6:24 PM  
Anonymous Ella Wagemakers said...

And they never ask the baby later how it felt about it! Isn't that ironic? The real mother is the surrogate one, and the surrogate mother the real one. Shows you how we corrupt definitions.

Ella
*who came from a turning cradle

6:32 PM  
Blogger Bill said...

You're absolutely right about our abuses of language, Ella. "surrogate mother" is a monstrous formation, rivalling "assisted suicide" in its radical incoherence. No wonder it's so difficult to talk sensibly about compicated issues.

7:51 PM  
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6:23 AM  

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