A blog devoted mainly to haiku and senryu and to thoughts about, and inspired by, haiku and senryu.

My Photo
Location: New York, New York

Haiku is to poetry as espresso is to coffee.

Friday, June 08, 2012


but a man and his kite
winter beach

A slightly different version of this (see below) was posted in the International Monthly Kukai for May 2012. Here's the original

nothing but
a man and his kite
winter beach

I think the change makes a difference. I'd be glad to know what you think.


Blogger Frank... said...

A feeling of fulfilled loneliness - very nice haiku, Bill. I prefer the revised version, the rhythm to me is better...

2:12 PM  
Blogger Gillena Cox said...

certainly does; there is lots of space - time in the first one enough for the writer to be absorbed in for deep reflection

much love...

5:37 AM  
Blogger Rita Odeh said...

I agree with Frank that the revised version is better because it ballences the rhythm.
I feel that you got used to write haikum so you write them so easily and the result is always stunning.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Tikkis said...

Orig. in Finnish:

ei mitään paitsi
mies ja hänen leijansa
talvinen ranta


Today I should say it as follow:

mitään paitsi
mies ja leija -
talvinen ranta


2nd one:

paitsi mies ja [hänen] leija[nsa]

[..] means not perhaps needed.

talvinen = wintry, so talviranta is more accurate? Talvi = winter.
But in Finnish i prefer talvinen ranta ...

"mitään" alone: everyone hears the word "ei" (=no) with it.

What about:

wintry beach -
just a man
with his kite


(Oh yes, in Finnish:

Talvinen ranta -
vain mies
leijansa kanssa


.... One more version:

wintry beach -
just a man
and a kite

Talvinen ranta -
vain mies
ja leija


Now tasting myself if the kite comes first and the man after that, so being L3 and also more important there ?-)

[just] a kite
and a man
on wintry beach

Anyway, i see the wintry shore hovering, but it's not cold. But nice.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Crafty Green Poet said...

It shows how important line breaks are!

4:25 AM  
Blogger Monika said...

Yes, me too, I prefer the new version - not so much for the rythm,but because I like the word "nothing" standing alone in line 1 - thus creating, for the reader, a sort of openness which is then (slightly)contradictet by the second line. The result is a kind of tension which I appreciate in haïku.

8:06 AM  
Blogger Bill said...

Thanks for these thoughtful comments. I'm sorry for the delay in responding, but life does get in the way now and then.

11:32 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home