haiku-usa: nothing

Friday, June 08, 2012

nothing

but a man and his kite

winter beach

A slightly different version of this (see below) was posted in the International Monthly Kukai for May 2012. Here's the original

nothing but

a man and his kite

winter beach

I think the change makes a difference. I'd be glad to know what you think.

7 Comments:

Frank... said...: A feeling of fulfilled loneliness - very nice haiku, Bill. I prefer the revised version, the rhythm to me is better...; 2:12 PM
Gillena Cox said...: certainly does; there is lots of space - time in the first one enough for the writer to be absorbed in for deep reflection

much love...; 5:37 AM
Rita Odeh said...: I agree with Frank that the revised version is better because it ballences the rhythm.
I feel that you got used to write haikum so you write them so easily and the result is always stunning.
Regard,Rita.; 10:50 AM
Tikkis said...: Orig. in Finnish:

ei mitään paitsi
mies ja hänen leijansa
talvinen ranta

(5-7-5)

Today I should say it as follow:

mitään paitsi
mies ja leija -
talvinen ranta

(4-4-5)

2nd one:

mitään
paitsi mies ja [hänen] leija[nsa]
talviranta

(2-9-4)
[..] means not perhaps needed.

talvinen = wintry, so talviranta is more accurate? Talvi = winter.
But in Finnish i prefer talvinen ranta ...

"mitään" alone: everyone hears the word "ei" (=no) with it.

What about:

wintry beach -
just a man
with his kite

:-?

(Oh yes, in Finnish:

Talvinen ranta -
vain mies
leijansa kanssa

(5-2-5)

.... One more version:

wintry beach -
just a man
and a kite

Talvinen ranta -
vain mies
ja leija

(5-2-3)

Now tasting myself if the kite comes first and the man after that, so being L3 and also more important there ?-)

[just] a kite
and a man
on wintry beach

Anyway, i see the wintry shore hovering, but it's not cold. But nice.; 11:09 PM
Crafty Green Poet said...: It shows how important line breaks are!; 4:25 AM
Monika said...: Yes, me too, I prefer the new version - not so much for the rythm,but because I like the word "nothing" standing alone in line 1 - thus creating, for the reader, a sort of openness which is then (slightly)contradictet by the second line. The result is a kind of tension which I appreciate in haïku.; 8:06 AM
Bill said...: Thanks for these thoughtful comments. I'm sorry for the delay in responding, but life does get in the way now and then.; 11:32 AM

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Friday, June 08, 2012

nothing

7 Comments: