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posted by Bill | 11:06 AM
10 Comments:
I have to go with number 1, if only because "summer in the city" gets me singing "hot town summer in the city, back o' my neck getting dirty pretty" - Was that The Lovin' Spoonful?
floots: Yes, it was. Thanks for your comment.
I prefer the first one as well, somehow it feels more universal than the other one in that it has potential to cover more ground than the second one. The shadows could be caused by the sun or bright city lights at night. I like to go for walks in my city on Friday nights, not a fan of the crowds, but window shopping helps to destress me a little. :)
Thanks, Liz, for your helpful comment. The haiku was based on a particular experience, but your comment helps me to see tne possibilities it opens up, and makes me realize that what you call universality was what I was going for here.
I thinkn I like number #1...just has a better feel to it.
just wandering: Thanks for your helpful comment. One thing that's difficult for me to know is how what I write feels to someone other than myself, so I appreciate getting your slant on it.
I like the first one -- if only because it sounds more like the rest of your work. The words are sparse and succinct. The second version seems a little more musical. It's nice, but it doesn't feel quite as sparse and taut of your other work.
ap: Thanks for your perceptive and provocative comment.
Happy to help, Bill. Your work reminds me of the skin of a drum. Minimal, but very taut -- producing an effect much stronger than might be expected from its sparse appearance.
Thanks, ap, your supportive comments mean a great deal to me.
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