haiku-usa

A blog devoted mainly to haiku and senryu and to thoughts about, and inspired by, haiku and senryu.

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Location: New York, New York

Haiku is to poetry as espresso is to coffee.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

variations

Here are two variations on a theme. So far, version #1 is preferred by two out of three readers. I'd be glad to have your response.
1
city walk
my shadow skips
from side to side
2
my shadow skips
from side to side
summer in the city

12 Comments:

Blogger floots said...

I have to go with number 1, if only because "summer in the city" gets me singing "hot town summer in the city, back o' my neck getting dirty pretty" - Was that The Lovin' Spoonful?

11:46 AM  
Blogger Bill said...

floots: Yes, it was. Thanks for your comment.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Bluesky_Liz said...

I prefer the first one as well, somehow it feels more universal than the other one in that it has potential to cover more ground than the second one. The shadows could be caused by the sun or bright city lights at night. I like to go for walks in my city on Friday nights, not a fan of the crowds, but window shopping helps to destress me a little. :)

3:30 AM  
Blogger Bill said...

Thanks, Liz, for your helpful comment. The haiku was based on a particular experience, but your comment helps me to see tne possibilities it opens up, and makes me realize that what you call universality was what I was going for here.

1:04 PM  
Blogger Just Wandering said...

I thinkn I like number #1...just has a better feel to it.

3:38 PM  
Blogger Bill said...

just wandering: Thanks for your helpful comment. One thing that's difficult for me to know is how what I write feels to someone other than myself, so I appreciate getting your slant on it.

5:01 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Poet said...

I like the first one -- if only because it sounds more like the rest of your work. The words are sparse and succinct. The second version seems a little more musical. It's nice, but it doesn't feel quite as sparse and taut of your other work.

7:21 PM  
Blogger Bill said...

ap: Thanks for your perceptive and provocative comment.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Anonymous Poet said...

Happy to help, Bill. Your work reminds me of the skin of a drum. Minimal, but very taut -- producing an effect much stronger than might be expected from its sparse appearance.

7:18 AM  
Blogger Bill said...

Thanks, ap, your supportive comments mean a great deal to me.

6:47 PM  
Blogger martin said...

I like number one...

When I read your haiku, I thought of my summer work experience many years ago in Manhattan during lunch hour and the heavy pedestrian traffic:

city heat
shadows pass through
each other

9:28 PM  
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7:42 AM  

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