A blog devoted mainly to haiku and senryu and to thoughts about, and inspired by, haiku and senryu.

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Haiku is to poetry as espresso is to coffee.

Tuesday, March 03, 2015

unheard revised

Once the votes have been counted, the kukai decision is final. But, looking at the ku I posted as "unheard," I found my self playing with it, with this tentative result

shadows dance
in the summer wind
unheard melodies

Comments welcome.


Blogger Magyar said...

Bill, my humble viewpoint_.
__The present participle can limit the readers' imaginations, but, "shadows dance" might open
deeper thoughts. ('ing' words, can be thought stoppers)
__To me, your re-work "shadows dance", is nifty_! _m

12:49 PM  
Blogger Bill said...

The flip was my idea, but the switch to "dance" was suggested by my friend Gene Murtha, a real haiku master.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Gwil W said...

I much prefer the original. Dancing is more active than dance and coming at the end as it does it leaves a strong image whereas unheard melodies in the new version leaves the reader with nothing.

6:20 AM  
Blogger Bill said...

Thanks for your comment, Gwil. The "logic" of the revision is that the shadows are more immediately believable than the melodies. Dancing shadows can be real shadows, but unheard melodies are not "real" melodies. The perception of the shadows, though, might ground the imagining of the melodies. Thus the movement in the revision is toward a more radical exercise of the imagination.

By the way, nobody has noticed – or anyway mentioned – that "unheard melodies" is stolen from Keats.

4:51 PM  

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