Once the votes have been counted, the kukai decision is final. But, looking at the ku I posted as "unheard," I found my self playing with it, with this tentative result
Bill, my humble viewpoint_. __The present participle can limit the readers' imaginations, but, "shadows dance" might open deeper thoughts. ('ing' words, can be thought stoppers) __To me, your re-work "shadows dance", is nifty_! _m
I much prefer the original. Dancing is more active than dance and coming at the end as it does it leaves a strong image whereas unheard melodies in the new version leaves the reader with nothing.
Thanks for your comment, Gwil. The "logic" of the revision is that the shadows are more immediately believable than the melodies. Dancing shadows can be real shadows, but unheard melodies are not "real" melodies. The perception of the shadows, though, might ground the imagining of the melodies. Thus the movement in the revision is toward a more radical exercise of the imagination.
By the way, nobody has noticed – or anyway mentioned – that "unheard melodies" is stolen from Keats.
4 Comments:
Bill, my humble viewpoint_.
__The present participle can limit the readers' imaginations, but, "shadows dance" might open
deeper thoughts. ('ing' words, can be thought stoppers)
__To me, your re-work "shadows dance", is nifty_! _m
The flip was my idea, but the switch to "dance" was suggested by my friend Gene Murtha, a real haiku master.
I much prefer the original. Dancing is more active than dance and coming at the end as it does it leaves a strong image whereas unheard melodies in the new version leaves the reader with nothing.
Thanks for your comment, Gwil. The "logic" of the revision is that the shadows are more immediately believable than the melodies. Dancing shadows can be real shadows, but unheard melodies are not "real" melodies. The perception of the shadows, though, might ground the imagining of the melodies. Thus the movement in the revision is toward a more radical exercise of the imagination.
By the way, nobody has noticed – or anyway mentioned – that "unheard melodies" is stolen from Keats.
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